I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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