Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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