I hope mine doesn't look like that
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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