her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
