My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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