Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize