worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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