I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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