Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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