My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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