I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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