Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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