Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
