I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
