She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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