i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
