you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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