I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Someone came in the potted fern
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
