Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
