Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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