I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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