We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
