Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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