I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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