this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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