Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
