In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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