Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
