hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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