i permit you to call me
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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