I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
