I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
