I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
