legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize