I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
