She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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