my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
