He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
