I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
