fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
