I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
