Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
