he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
