I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
