Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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