I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
