I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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