after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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