Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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