C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
