I got chris browned last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
