This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
