What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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