bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
