I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This is not my ceiling
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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