The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
