video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
