Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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