There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
