just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
