I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
