You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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