i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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