I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
