This is not my ceiling
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
