oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We just shotgunned beers for America
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
