i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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