you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
