Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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